19:38 - Sept. 17, 2008
oh dear what shall i do?
so the honest truth is i'm frightened to go to the seminar; i'm scared that i'm not ready for any change in my state of consciousness... i'm afraid i'll get unbalanced - not to mention financially unbalanced - and that i won't be happy like i am now; i'm afraid that something will happen to me that will make luis and i incompatible and that i won't be content here anymore... i have a problem: i'm too happy. i'm too contented where i am; i am so full of gratitude for everything in my life right now that i've become so attached to my state of consciousness...
change. things always speed up around seminars, and i'm afraid. maybe i should just start talking to luis more about my inner experiences - then they'll slow down. frankly i'm afraid of what's happening and changing inside me. it's subtle, still... i'm afraid of more love coming in? i'm afraid of a more open heart, of being a better channel? i'm afraid of being a more loving being??i'm afraid of being all alone when i return here. luis is almost all of my social group here where we live, besides the people i work with. and i'm just getting adjusted to being here - i haven't even lived here for two months yet; everything is so new... i'm so scared of going, and yet i feel that i should. oh dear i just don't know what to do. the airplane tickets are so expensive, yet the hotel will be affordable... and i can bring food... i should go into contemplation for this.
