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22:32 - Apr. 30, 2008
transitions
i don't understand this constant sadness with me now... every moment i'm still with myself i want to begin crying... it's almost as if the reality of living is too much to bear; too much for the physical body alone and it spills out into the emotional body... and so i seek escape - in my books, in playing music, and sometimes (shamefully i'll admit it) in television. and somehow, miracalously, my house is just going to pack itself up; books will decide which ones are going to be donated, and which will come with me, and my clothing and CD's and kitchenware will do the same. in fact, it's so overwhelming that i haven't even begun. one box of books is packed; one. that's all. paradoxically, i think i'm sad because i haven't seen him for over 3 months. and the fact he's coming in days makes him more real; like he's still existing in my world after all. suddenly he's just away at the grocery store, or practicing, or just around the corner and will walk through the door any minute. he's so close... and that makes him all that much farther away. i guess, too, i might be sad to leave this place. right now all i can think about is going, and i can't wait to go. but i might actually miss it, and the people. the people, mostly. regina mary faye lynn carolyn michelle dianne deanna heidi kathryn liz pam rita ed sarah julie julian melanie andy lynn gretchen jennie sharon susan melissa natalie randa jennifer melita jessie melissa julie how can i bear leaving them? they have become my family here; we have walked together so long, so far... and while i am so ready to leave, this place will remain a part of me, as well as these people, forever. they have to - they're part of who i am. and i guess i'll be leaving a part of myself here as well. change isn't easy, but i wish it was done. i'm feeling stuck here in the middle of the transition (can i ever forget what my professor told us - the most difficult part of the session is the transition) is the hardest. this must be what limbo feels like - caught between here and there, present and next, neither belonging to here nor there... it's really teaching me to live in the moment, right now.
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