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21:19 - Mar. 17, 2008
la venir
know what? i think i might fit in better with the spanish department than the french... certainly it will be helpful for personal reasons... do i need to declare a major right away? i'm just testing out my options. also, the option of studying persian! how wonderful! i feel as if i'm slowly opening my eyes to what is happening in the rest of the world. or perhaps it's more an opening of my heart. and i want to do something. not for world peace - i don't believe that's possible in this warring universe - but just because there are people who are exactly like me on the other side of the world who aren't able to walk out of their homes without fear. isn't that reason enough to want to do something? not to fix it, or even change it... just to try to make their roads a little easier, brighter, whatever... it seems like the least thing i could do. mind, this might take some time, but it's almost like in harry potter, that he had to go after voldemort only because of who he was inside; who he had grown up to be. in the same way it's like my life is leading me in this direction simply by the nature of who i am, and who i have grown up to be. (and i'm still growing, i hope!) studying persian is part of this, and so are sheep and children, though i don't know how yet.it's amazing how my life is moving away from music so much... at least on the outside, career path way. maybe i've always know this; maybe i've always had music as something just for me - i remember the moment, filling up my gas tank a few days before leaving my parent's area for my music therapy internship, i was overwhelmed by the fear that by going into this field i would chance giving away my music. (always, i had thought of it as my music, as if i could possess something so ethereal and magical. in some way, i still feel that way.) the fear was really, i think, of losing myself. i think i had to learn to seperate my identity from that of the music i produced, and in that sense i did lose "my music" during my internship. i also began finding myself, my strength and intrinsic value which was completely dissociated from the music i produced. i am a whole person without making music now, albeit not a happy one. ; ) and that's how music should be - a joyous addition to one's life, not its definition. perhaps its metaphore, it's voice and dreams, but never its value or worth. "...the journey itself is home". how right that feels now, just a month or so away from facing the next great adventure in my life. and what an adventure it will be! i'm not even sure what all lies ahead, but i know it's where i want to be going. i keep looking up at the photograph i cut from a magazine of afghanistan's foothills and the hindu-kush mountains framing a small village... to me, it speaks of the future, of dreams and hope and infinite possibility... my cat clara is about to have kittens. i've prepared a box in the corner for her.
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