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19:22 - Mar. 14, 2008
patience
i feel strange, empty, lost, a little. thinking about richness and poverty... and feeling i should know, by now, what the true meaning of it is. my future is still like another person's reality. and yet i don't belong where i am, not for long. (it's strange, this knowing-i'm-leaving-but-not-being-gone-yet). and i'm caught inbetween somewhere. transitions really are the most complicated part. and here, where time exists, every thing does have a beginning, middle and end. all the trees are blooming; little neongreen specks of light in the forest. and the weeds too, in my grass... brown, still standing amidst the new growth, from last summer. i am poorer here with a house and salary than i ever will be where i'm going. i won't have a house or a salary, but that has nothing to do with the richness i'm talking about. of course, it's true that everything is available right here - all the spiritual riches i could ask for are within my reach both now and when i get to where i'm going (pardon, brad paisley and dolly parton). it's just this pervading emptiness... like i need to ask myself what am i living for? i work, i come home, i read, i walk the dog, i sleep, i talk with him on the phone, i go back to work... i feel like i'm sleep walking, or dying - i can't tell which. life is an adventure, and i want to take it. i want to be living it... the thing is, i am living it but i make life what it is; we all do. it's just that i need to be patient. six weeks left - that's it. after months and months of planning and everything, just a few weeks. that's all. just a few final preparations to be made, and then i'm off. it's so close; i'm almost there. what i need now is patience.
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