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22:04 - Jan. 19, 2008
hope is a stringed instrument
early music is like having a secret inside of me that no one nor nothing can take away; it's a freedom that has nothing to do with my value, or worth as a musician or person. it's a sacred, secret world of possibility and freedom all within me. but it's a secret i had to discover; it was always so close to me, so much a part of who i am and within the kaledioscope of how i see the world that it was hidden from my own eyes... it's woven into the fabric of who i am. and in some sense playing classical (read: contemporary) violin was like trying to force my round self into a square hole. so much forcing, wanting, pushing... music isn't about that. music is about expansive freedom and joy; learning, hard work but fulfillment. perhaps the violin isn't completely ruined for me - perhaps later i'll play it again. but, then again, maybe i won't want to. for now i only want to get back to what music really means to me - the joy, freedom and world of expression that was my /voice/ when i played piano. but piano isn't my instrument either; i have a stringed voice. and i'm going to find it.
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