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23:17 - Dec. 09, 2007
holiday nerves
i feel fragmented. and a little confused about who i am. kind of like lost in a fog... i made a little joke-that-wasn't-a-joke tonight, that i get five minutes of his day... and it wasn't very nice to say, and i really do understand better than i used to, but he said that until i'm in a program like that, with something always due all the time and always thinking about the next thing... he has his jury tomorrow. 10 or 10:30. and he's right. i didn't mean to stress him out more. but i snapped right back, saying that yes my work might finish at 5 everyday, and i can leave it there, but my life isn't easy right now either. i hvae all this time to think and wait and ponder and wait some more, and i /wish/ i was busy and had something to do. i didn't mean to snap like that, but it's true. this isn't easy for me either. but no one said it was going to be easy. in fact, going into this we knew it wasn't. i just didn't know it would be like this... but it's not forever. i won't be in the doldrums eternally... part of my feeling strange is because of money. i feel guilty recieving all this money from people - money from the car, money from the harp, money from christmas, not to mention the gifts at christmas. i feel like getting gifts is a shameful secret; that my family has money is a dirty thing, and that i'm spoiled and rotten because of it... maybe all those times my mother shouted that at me when i was a child made some part of my subconscious believe her. and i want to be grown up, especially because of him. i'm afraid he's not going to like me anymore after he sees my family... isn't that silly? aren't i proud of my family? ...that was a stupid question. my family is what it is, and i am who i am because of my choices. i originate from there... i'm afraid of his criticism of the way my family lives, because it's different from his family and it's not necessarily how i would choose to live. i'm afraid he's going to think differently of me after he meets them. and that is complete bunk. my boyfriend loves me for who i am, and my family is a part of who i am and i have nothing to be ashamed of. i have nothing to hide from him. it's just an intimate thing, meeting my family... i've never done this before...
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