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17:31 - Dec. 08, 2007
there must be
i wonder if this experience is making me stronger, or just making me more aware of my weaknesses... i feel just like a fragile bird sometimes; that the slightest offense keeps me grounded until i have time to heal... because i feel so alone here sometimes. like i'm standing in a clearing, straight, but utterly alone. and then, perhaps, it's just a matter of snapping myself out of it. getting up and doing something - anything - just to keep moving, just to keep myself from dwelling on thoughts just like these. because it's true. and because i'm moving in a few months - my life here is over, but i'm still here. there used to be so much here for me, but it's all finished or left me here... and i'm earning money, sure, waiting to get accepted to schools, sure, but i feel little meaning in my life here. all meaning in my life is in the future, in the north, and now i just have to wait until i get there. and i hate waiting.but if i'm still here, and plan to be for at least four more months, isn't that proof alone that there's still something here for me to do? i'm not gone yet. my energy may mostly be focused on the future, but i'm still here; there's got to be something still here for me. i just have to find it...and yet i miss him like a rock in my chest; i miss his country like the air i breathe has gone stale. everything here seems painted in shades of gray to me... living there with him for two weeks was like living in heaven, and then coming back here... i had to forget it. i had to, just to keep on going, i had to forget what made me so incredibly happy and joyful and light, like i haven't felt in years. and now, whenever i'm reminded of it, i feel heavy and only half-alive and waiting for the time when i can wake up again, and begin living my life. i feel like i'm waiting to start living my life again. and it's a terrible feeling.
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