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21:40 - Nov. 29, 2007
fasting burns off karma
i never doubted us. i was hurt and angry and afraid, but in my heart i knew the relationship was solid, always. but i've realized that i need to nurture myself as well; that it can't all come from him, or from anyone or thing outside of myself, no matter how precious. i've also found a new strength in myself. i felt it towards the end of the day today, driving home from perry; this strange new knowingness that i'm stronger because of this; that we are stronger because of these hardships. it's like i could see beyond where we are now to the foundation of our relationship, and it was untouched by these emotional things. completely untouched. i also fasted all day because i was too upset to eat and the euphoria from that may have had something to do with my realization. but even that was something i knew i needed to do; like shedding the last of another part of me i no longer need. fear, maybe. or mistrust in my ability to care for myself. it's funny... i don't feel the tiredness or hopelessness i've felt settling on my all week. i feel light and hopeful again. not completely - i'm not jumping for joy - but i'm happy. i can honestly say that now. everything is going to be okay.
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