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21:41 - Oct. 29, 2007
living in my skin
the hurt of him not being here lurks somewhere beneath the surface of me. i cover it with busyness - reading, writing these essays, practicing violin, walking lucy, working... then the cat has started using my futon as a litter box instead of my leather couch and my grandmother emails me back saying she didn't mean to hurt my feelings pushes me over the edge into the hurt, and suddenly i'm willing to feel it and be it and accept it, knowing, trusting, that i have nothing to fear; i won't drown in it, i can handle this. sometimes we just have to be strong, and go through it. sometimes when i walk in the conference room at our main office i remember the first time i walked in there over 2 years ago, when i came for my interview and then later an inservice the same night on dying and spirituality. i fell in love with the place, and i was so young... so young. and now i'm already making plans to move on, to leave the home i've made here. but is any home in this world ever permanent? my home, truly, is greater than this place. but while living here, my home is with him. i know this like i know the sun will rise tomorrow, like i know the next breath i draw will come and my heart will continue to the next beat. in some amazing way i feel as if he's been with me all my life, and longer. and it's where i belong. i wouldn't be able to live in my skin if i didn't begin planning to move close to him the moment he left me here. and i did. and i'm doing. and, within the year, i'm going.
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