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19:54 - Oct. 12, 2007
freedom and love
i feel so weighed down. they tell me the dates i can see my family... it's a miracle already that the dates happened, but my employer tells me when i can see my family - my mother, brother, sister and boyfriend - and they tell me when i have to work. i feel like i'm imprisoned. i gave away my right to be with them anytime when i signed the same contract that gets me my paycheck every two weeks. i signed away my freedom to move anytime i wanted when i signed the same contract that tells me i own the roof over my head. what have i done?made choices, only. i've made choices that have changed my life, shaped my life into what it is now. and as more changes come; as i prepare to leave my job and leave my house to go back to school, to be closer to the people i love and the culture i am comfortable in... i feel like i have so much responsibility.it isn't worth it anymore. having "my own life" 1000 miles away from my family, my boyfriend, isn't worth any paycheck anyone can give me. and all this /stuff/ in this house isn't worth the limit on my freedom it effects. if i could i would fly from this house now. i would take lucy and my violin and my dreams and i would fly straight into his arms. and i would stay there. i would rest there until my heart stopped missing him, and then i would go to grad school close by. and then we would visit every chance we had, and i would go hear his recitals and he would come hear the orchestra. freedom is here - it has to be. it has to be here, close by, available, waiting for me to find it. and love, too. when we were in his country (it all seems so long ago... was i ever that relaxed and care-free?) it was as if we two were one, in every way... and still he is always in my heart, always a part of me. but then how so far away physically? god is only as near as my heart-beat; love is as near as my heart. so listen? listen, listen... where there is love, there is no room for fear.
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