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18:56 - Oct. 11, 2007
solutions and surrendering
it never occured to me until this moment, that perhaps i don't want to go to a school where the application process is making me so stressed out. i'm forcing, is what it is. i'm forcing it, doing things that aren't within the range of my truth, and it's exhausting. the doors of soul never open by force, always by surrender. it seems like so many things i was stressed out about yesterday have magically resolved themselves... i did this exercise last night, writing my individual stressors on bits of paper, and then i left them for today. and what i did today was throw some out - i just don't need them, and can't do anything about them. those, i surrendered. and the ones that had a solution; that had another side to the issue, i turned over and wrote either the steps to take or the attitude shift to make. and i feel so much lighter now. not only that, but regina okayed me to arrange my travel plans to be with my family when i need to, i'm feeling like i couldn't care less about getting into this one school, we scheduled a time to meet for the music therapy conference to prepare and although i still need to work on the stories i'm telling next saturday, i'm so much more confident now. i'll have to use that exercise again. and i didn't realize how uptight i was getting over all these little things, when really it's just a matter of deciding which issues have solutions and which need to be surrendered. the key is detachment, which i'm slowly getting to. i have no intention of spending the next 3 years of my life at a school where i feel the need to prove myself good enough at every move i make. i want to feel warmly accepted and comfortable, and of course challanged and learning things that are what i want to learn - early music, the baroque violin, central/south american traditional music, spanish and french. so the solution? just do the applications; write the essays, edit my 2 scholarly papers, pay the application fee, take the gre and surrender. everything is going to be fine in the end. for the first time in a while, i actually believe that.
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