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20:25 - Oct. 09, 2007
choses de la vie
i can't believe i'm doing this. i can't believe i'm going back to grad school, after 3 years of being school-free and earning a pay-check; not to mention paying the mortgage on my home. but is it really mine? is anything in this world really mine, or just on loan from the kal...? just looking through apartments available in the area i'm thinking of moving, seeing those prices and the space available and wondering what on earth i'm going to do about the /stuff/ i've accumulated over the past three years? i don't know what i was thinking - maybe just pretending that i was making a life for myself permanently here, who knows... but i have a house full of furniture (granted, a small house) and what am i going to do with it all, not to mention the house itself? for someone who values freedom i'm sure doing a good job of tacking myself to the ground.so, it's simple. i take with me only what i need, the very basics, and leave the rest behind. some part of me wants to sell all of it - to literally leave all of this behind and move on with only my violin, some books, and lucy... but the rest of me says that's a romantic idea that makes no sense financially. i've put a lot of time and energy and money into the things and lifestyle i have now, and while all this is transient it's also a part of living in this world and someday in the future i may want these things again. and it's not only about things, but that's just mostly what i feel like i'll be leaving behind. and i also understand better, now, how much materialism impedes one's freedom in this world. i don't regret my actions and decisions here - you know, buying a house and furniture to put in it - but i see it from a different perspective now. i see life from a different perspective, and i'm less attached to the idea of 'settling down' and 'making a life' for myself. i feel freer, inside, even if there's more on the outer i'm responsible for.
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