22:09 - Aug. 07, 2007
je t'apellerais jeudi
i've realized tonight that my future is incomprehensible without him. Of course I know he's moving away, but what I'm talking about is if he were to leave my life somehow; I have not contemplated, nor am I able to in this moment formulate, what my future would look like if he were not in it.

looking at pictures now, from being there with him, i remember the feeling of being so /at home/, of feeling more at home than words can even describe... it was for missing that as much as missing him that i cried for almost two weeks straight after i came back. and when people ask me if i enjoyed my trip and i tell them it was wonderful, they have no idea... i could live there. even saying it seems less than it means to me - i could make my home there, i could be at home there, i could have a family there. the last time i felt so at home anywhere... well, i can't remember exactly when or where it was, but i know it couldn't have been that long ago. my family isn't exactly the most cohesive unit of people you can meet, but that doesn't make them less beloved. it just makes for a rather less harmonious home environment at times...

he seems so far away still. he'll be back on friday, but just for a few days, and it doesn't help i dreamed about his ex-girlfriend and of us all together. it wasn't a bad dream, but it was just more of this sentiment - that he seems so far away. and even over the telephone, what can we share with those words? after living every moment with him for two weeks, as two instruments playing a constant duet, i've had to return here alone and enter into my daily routine again, and i've had to learn how to do it without him. it wasn't easy, but now that i'm here i can hardly believe he's returning on friday. it seems like a dream which can hardly come true. i miss him so much, but feel guilty, almost, for getting used to my life without him present every day.

it's been a lot of change these past three weeks, and it'll be even more in the following two. the month or so between when i returned from his country and when i'll return from helping him move is going to be a blur...

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