|
01:51 - Jul. 27, 2007
how can i keep from singing?
i have to work tomorrow... maybe i'll get 4 hours of sleep. as if i don't need a little more than that, after this week. but strangely enough i feel lighter in this moment than i have in a long time; as if something is shifting, some great weight is lifting... i'm adjusting to my new life here, without him. without my love. since i got back four days ago, every time i turn my head i'm reminded of him and i begin weeping. because he's not here, because he will never live here, because he is so much of my life, and so much of me, it's impossible to imagine him not being present.but that's the thing, that's the lightness now - i can let go. i can let go of the anxiety and grief and loss. somehow i'm still surviving, i'm still functional (although perhaps only arguably at this point) and i'm still existing - the world hasn't collapsed... and everything is going to be okay. do you remember... when i first met him... and i wrote here, in this journal, about hope? about hope, that tiny voice awakening from the depths of night into a whispered, but clear, song? it was in the first music under his touch, at that church, and now it is still in his words and in my heart. it's going to be okay, working at this job. it's going to be okay, playing on sunday at church (the piano where we first met) and playing the wedding. it's going to be okay, returning home alone to my cat and dog, it's going to be okay going to my bed by myself, because he is in my heart. i can do this. there is hope. there is always hope, just listen for it.
previous - next
|