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21:48 - Jun. 26, 2007
l'amour
i fell asleep today after work, in my chair by the window listening to the thunderstorm. lucy and i sat on the porch for a long time watching the rain. and now all the night-insects are singing from the woods. i should put my clothes in the dryer... i miss him and he hasn't even left yet... looking up pictures of his new university i feel jealous of those buildings that will see his face, hear his voice and footfalls every day. simple things; things taken for granted and things which those beautiful, cold stone walls will have no use for but which i can already feel missing. perhaps it's been better for us to live a half hour apart these past months. kind of a preparation. and it's foolish to base love on physical things - things that can be lost and missed. love is something more than that, and i hope this separation will help clarify what true love is, or what love truly is. i've always been a little naïve, but that isn't always a bad thing. when hoping for the best, i usually find it. i'm not saying it won't be difficult, i'm only saying the experience is what we make of it - something to learn from or something else. at night, with him, i've woken up more than once and begun sobbing because of a very old fear i've carried with me for a long time. it's when i feel alone and abandoned, and helpless to change the situation. it's when i feel most unloved... but it's an illusion. i am loved, and very much, and the barrier to knowing that and feeling it is that i need to accept it. in other words, i need to let myself be loved, which requires me to love myself first. it's the old adage, but it's true. et c'est vrai aussi que je voudrais l'amour vrai - rien d'autre sufficerait pour moi. on n'avait jamais le venir, seulment le moment. et dans cet moment, je vais être plein de l'amour; l'amour qui donne de soi-même parce que c'est la nature de l'amour.
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