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23:25 - Jun. 19, 2007
how to begin
all my life, i've only ever played the violin for others. i've played to prove i'm a good musician, i've played to prove i'm good enough to be loved. i've played to prove i deserved a certain seat in orchestra, and i've played to prove i was good enough to get into music school. i've played to make others happy. i've played to make others proud. i've played to prove to myself that i'm a musician, and i've played in order to hear people clap for me. but never, ever during my 12 years with this instrument, have i played for me. being an artist is about the search for love. it's about the journey toward perfection, just as existing in this world is the journey of becoming a more god-like (read:perfect) being. and the only way to find perfection is through structure; through discipline, but it's a discipline born from the heart and for the highest of purposes. so anyway, all of this to say that the freedom and joy which comes from playing music for music's sake will never be found if playing always for outside approval. it exists in the heart and when it's played, the heart's contens become audible. i need to play for me. music used to be my world; it was a world i created for myself entirely within me, and it's how i survived my childhood. but the thing here is i found - and created - that world because i was a child, because i had no other motives to play music other than to play it for its own sake. that's how to begin playing music.
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