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12:52 - Jun. 05, 2007
rain. maybe on the way home
last night after work i cried and cried and wept; at st thomas more and at his house. it was the first time we'd shared sorrow like that. it was the first time in a long time i was in that place of sorrow... what's the most difficult is seeing those i love hurting so much. this work has grown me a tough skin - i know that now. i'm not insensitive, or uncompassionate, just accustomed to being present with suffering. but when it's someone i love; someone who is like family to me, everything changes. everything changes. i would be ineffective at my job if i broke down crying each time i saw someone going through hard times, or struggling with difficult things in life. my job is to be present with people as they are experiencing these things - not to guide them, not to direct them, simply to be with them - and this is an action. being present is a verb, just like active listening, or resting in music - you have to keep the beat inside of you; you have to hear the other players and the whole piece and you're a part of the music even if you aren't making any with your hands or breath. it's a privilege that i have here, to do this work. it's an amazing gift to be part of someone's journey out of this world, out of this life and all that that entails for them. it's just times like this, when there's so much loss all at once, that are really difficult. i'm learning how to deal with it effectively so that when i am with one of my patients i can do my job. i'm so grateful for the richness of my life in this moment; all that is here for me to learn and grow from. all the same, i am looking forward to getting a break sometime soon. i think we're going up to atlanta to make sure his visa is still good for july... it's all happening so fast. the other night we finally had some rain. he said in the city it's raining this morning too. maybe on the way home it will find me.
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