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22:20 - May. 13, 2007
give what you get
tonight there is lightning in the sky, flashing hints of much-needed rain, but all is silent outside. there's a cool breeze on my bare shoulders and in the other room my laundry is thumping in the dryer. my old supervisor called me from new york on friday, offering me a job as a music therapy coordinator in the city, with a pay raise and everything. and i won't take it. i thought about it for a moment, but my future life now is something i can almost touch... how to explain? when i was in college, and in my internship, and even when i moved here almost 2 years ago, my life - my future - was some obscure thing which existed in the vastness of the universe, and for which i searched with my dreams and thoughts and ideas. and the difference now is my life no longer exists solely in the obscurity of "the future" but is something that is within my grasp. i know what i want; i know exactly what i want, and most of it i already have. it's too much, sometimes, to think of him so directly, like this. and his presence is something i have neither the ability nor the desire to put into words here. and it's true that my life, my future life, has stabilized because of this relationship. i feel as if i've stabilized into myself because of knowing, and being with, him. at times i feel as if he's lived inside my skin all my life, but i didn't know it until we met. i'm in love, but it's more than that. i've found someone whose outer life is so compatible with mine, but it's more than that too... and i should be joyful, i should be crazy-happy, right? but it's almost as if it's so natural to me, it's so easy and right and simple, that i can't. i mean, we don't celebrate the sunrise every morning (although some cultures used to) despite its beauty and warmpth and light and necessity... it's like that with him - i can't imagine my world without him, yet he's such a part of it now i can't celebrate all the time either. but i'm grateful. i know i have a treasure of untold value. i have beautiful love, i have life.
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