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22:06 - Mar. 07, 2007
point de depart
i'm just so scared it was all just a dream: meeting him, knowing him and kissing him and it could all have just been made up in my mind; did any of this ever happen? what is life but a dream we dream for ourselves, but then why do i feel so empty? i haven't dreamt emptiness, have i? i thought i was dreaming joy and fulfillment and light and love... where is all of that now? clouded by others' perceptions and energetic inputs, that's where. i feel as if this sacred thing between us doesn't exist because no one else around us is acknowledging that it exists. just some co-workers i've told... but no one we both know; no one from the church or school, not my violin teacher... and yet, they all know. they all know but nothing is being said out in the open and it's driving.me.up.a.wall. we'll talk tomorrow. and, to me it is a sacred thing. he is someone present with me on every level of existence, perhaps not all the time, but he's at least willing and able to be with me there in the time we have together. and i have seen the possibilities of realizing many of my dreams within this relationship. it's just i'm so afraid that the outer circumstances will tear us apart... but i'm not willing to let that happen... perhaps this is a lesson in spiritual stamina and strength; in not allowing others' ideas and perceptions, and the concepts of space and time, decide what is right and what is not right for me, and for us. this is a thing we have entered into together, and must walk together. and i still have hope. perhaps not as much as before, which is most likely a good thing, but i still have hope for us. and that's a place to begin.
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