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18:00 - Mar. 01, 2007
we do a lot of talking
thunderstorms tonight predicted, possibly a tornado and hail. aside from those last two, i'm looking forward to the forecast. i remember back up north those summer thunderstorms that rolled in over the hills, and washed things clear for the next morning to dawn bright... but it's a winter thunderstorm, here. a good time to curl up with a book and some tea, and perhaps practice some bach. so who am i anyway? i mean, i'm still so young and there's still so much of my life ahead of me; will i make the right choices now to set up a good future? i'm living here, now, of course, but this is the time i make all those important life decisions which effect the rest of my life. so much to think about... and in experiencing his sharing of his culture with me it's not that i'm losing who i am, but there must be a balance always between my culture and his. with all the music we share, and the culture of that world, i feel as if we already have so much in common. i suppose i'm just afraid of repeating my mistakes, and my mother's mistakes, in so easily losing sight of what's true for me, and those things which define my world, and therefore me.classical music; ethinic and guitar music and choral music and teaching music, and music therapy and reading define me. reading poetry, fiction, science fiction, children's books and literature; walking my dog and exercise in general. yoga, starting the day with my meditation and living consciously throughout the day. thinking, considering all kinds of things, and doing the best to be compassionate and kind and acting from the highest place of love i can find... conscious evoloution. perhaps this more than anything defines me - conscious evoloution. if this man is someone who also wants to walk the path of life with a partner committed to this... all i can do now is remain conscious. and for this reason alone it's been wonderful that the physical intimacy has been kept to a minimum... although i think the topic is worth bringing up for discussion because it's getting to the point where it's uncomfortable for me to be wondering about it. like i said, i'm not trying to push anything, but expressing my feelings and thoughts to him doesn't need to be pushing anything. i'm just curious to discuss this topic with him, and hearing his responses. my feelings are that i would like a little more physical intimacy with him, but mosly because i would like a little more emotional intimacy with him, and these things are so closely connected. i want our relationship to exist on the physical as well as intellectual and spiritual levels; i want to realize it, or make it manifest, in the world where we live now, in these bodies. yet at the same time i'm not willing to push this intimacy - there doesn't need to be any rush for any of this to grow between us, but i'd like to hear him say he also would like this. when the time is right. all in the right time.
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