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17:21 - Jan. 24, 2007
light
i think we're all experts in creating our own hells. i don't do it often, but when i'm in the mood i sure know how to attract those thoughts and emotions which make me feel like i'm living in hell. and, this morning, i woke up that way. it was a dreary morning, and now it's a dreary evening but i feel so much better after taking a nap; after taking the afternoon off to take a nap. and while some may see that kind of thing as a luxury, i see it as completely mandatory for my long-term job satisfaction, because i am looking for this job to last at least a few more years and if i were to continue with the attitude i had today i would not last very long. you can only work someone so hard without pay before they begin to get angry and, while being on salary is really fantastic, donating at least 3 hours of my life to this organization /a week, every week/ without pay for the past year has been taking its toll. then the whole working-on-saturday-without-pay had to happen and, let me tell you, giving up 5 hours of the most gorgeous saturday afternoon we've had for months was not what i had planned for.and yet i love my job; i absolutely love my job. it's everything i could have dreamed and more, and of course i want to stay here. it's just not like college, or my internship, where i work really hard for intense periods of time - this is where i learn to pace myself and ride the currents of stress and workload with a balance i'm still trying to find. and i have wonderful co-workers to help me, and i get to do music all day long. but someday i'll get to do the music i want to do all day long; someday i'll have more freedom to do what i want during the daytime and someday my life will include my own children and a husband, and music - always music and laughter and harmony around us. another reason i was so dark this morning was how alone i was feeling. i believe it's also why i get tired out so easily, and that's just because everything which revives and renews me must be initiated by me, and keeping up with that itself is tiring. in other words, i don't have a go-to person here for me; i feel very much alone sometimes, despite my wonderful co-workers and wonderful pets and, the fact is, i am terribly alone here in some ways. that's why i've been looking for that person, for that relationship which might be the right one. that's why a little glimmer of hope has been shining just within view for the past few months, and it's really so important to me... i didn't realize just how important it was to me until this morning. funny, how something so small as to be almost insubstantial can take up such a seemingly enormous portion of my heart...
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