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21:03 - Dec. 27, 2006
variations on a theme by dog
it's amazing to me that i'm the same person who wrote in this diary a few years ago. when, really, i'm not the same person at all. and i'm really out of my white-writing-on-black phase, but not web-savvy enough to change it. ah well. it's still a place to voice my thoughts. i used to sit down and write out my life goals all the time. and of course all they time they'd change. i've gone from gardening to farming to teaching to therapizing to ethonomusicologizing and back again to what makes me tick in the first place - music. music music music. there is a place in the world for me, and it's right here; there is something i'm supposed to be doing in this life, and it's this right now. i am overflowing with gratitude for every bity thing in my life; from every mistake to every grand moment and the smallest of miracles, like how my cat ate my second beta fish today. he lasted less that 24 hours. i think i'll have to get a lid for the bowl.it's an art, learning how to bend with the current of life. despite being a stumbling and clumbsy bender now, i do have moments when the meaning of 'letting go and letting god' seep through my thick skull. like today, as i was trying desperately to see as many people as i could for work, seeing as i'll be off all next week, but no one wanted to be seen, i had no choice but to let it go and stop pushing at a door that opens inward. it's the difference between being tense when i play violin and what happens when i relax. music happens when i relax - it flows through me like breath, and just as easily. the difficulty is learning to consciously be in that place. people seem to think much of musicians; it's like we're a separate class of beings who live in a different realm and possess magical powers of some sort... it's almost a feeling of mysticism. and i don't like that. not to discout the perceptions of artists, but i believe everyone has the potential to live like that but they don't believe it possible of themselves. i believe we are all potential artists, it's just taking the courage to explore it in our individual ways, because it manifests in as many variations as there are variations of people on this planet.so DO it - be what you want most secretly in the quiets of your heart. and if you don't know what that is, just relax. just relax.i remember in high school when a little plane crashed in my friend's back yard. i didn't see it, and no one was hurt, but it was the strangest thing. jason, at the time, was either dating her or thinking about it and he used to be into airplanes... i used to dream about him and his father and airplanes. and this airplane just crashed in my friend's backyard... i wonder why i was thinking of that just now. i've been seeing eagles a lot too. jeeps last week, and now it's eagles and i'm a little... well, i'm being cautious (which does not come naturally to me) because i had asked, months ago, to see an eagle if i ever found the man who was right for me. i saw three eagles just today - a caregiver lifted up his shirt to show me two (on an undershirt ;) and it's... well, as i said up there i'm really trying to bend with the wind; to stop pushing against the wind in my efforts to get where i think i need to go, and rather relax and be supple and let the wind blow me. trust it and relax into it. i'll still get where i need to go, and i don't need to close my eyes in order to relax. it's jason - that's why i'm thinking all these things. just now i remembered walking through the holocaust museam in dc, jason's hand at the small of my back. he was with ashley, and i was heartbroken, but he didn't leave me alone. not totally.
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