16:19 - Apr. 03, 2006
prayer to the universe
reading back in this journal, i often don't know which boy i'm talking about as i write. my life's been more full of transitions than anything else these past months...years.
i miss the simplicity and sense of security i felt in pittsburgh.it took a while to make my home in that city but i did, and loved it. there will always be a part of pittsburgh in me, and vice versa. and now i'm 1000's of miles away, in florida of all places, wondering what i'm doing here, and why i'm doing what i'm doing.
and it isn't that i don't love my job; i do. it's that i'm not a music therapist in my heart. and i need to find that /thing/ for which my heart is still searching. i needed music therapy for the personal growth opportunities it provided me (i think every therapist, no matter what type, goes into that field for personal gain. but that's another topic for another day). but i'm feeling very much through with music therapy. or, at least, close to being through. and i think i found this job here, in a city i'd never ever ever in a lifetime choose to move if there were no other considerations, because i needed the experience, and i need to go to school here.
so it has to be something in music, and it has to do with people and their music, and there needs to be a way for me to help people through music. perhaps very indirectly; perhaps it's helping a culture or society but it has to be /of use/. i have to be /of use/ and all of me has to be of use. i'm a do-gooder now but it's only parts of me. i've got more to give - i've got more brains and more music and more ideas and adventure and excitment and energy to give than music therapy allows. i'm feeling trapped and stifled. i'm going to change the world, maybe only a little part of it, but i'm here for a reason and i'm not going to ever stop until i find it, and live it. this lifetime is for giving back, and i'm here for a very specific reason. now, it's a matter of listening and doing.
