22:36 - Jul. 27, 2005
dristin..
so it's been a while. again. i like looking back to see where i was when i wrote old entries.
so, right now i am sitting in a swivel chair with karma and harper sleeping on either side in a room in a house which is not my own in highland, ny on the western side of the hudson river 2 hours north of new york city and still in my work clothes (linen pants and flowered button-down) and it's past my bedtime and i really really need a break right now.
i went to barnes and noble after children's group tonight and walked around the parking lot watching the sky. it was amazing - the whole sky was red and there were low, grey thunder clouds moving through after the storm had passed. then i went in a browsed in the psychology section for a while...but they were playing nickel creek over the pa system and...and just the sound of his voice singing sent me right back to times with ben and i had to leave. i left sad, even though i thought i had processed all of that...
funny, how you think it's fine and then something simple like nickel creek (i might not be able to listen to dave for a long time either) brings back so much sadness.. part of it is ben was my last link to a group of friends back at home - he WAS my closest friend back at home - and all that's gone now. four years' worth of friends and memories and it's really..a huge chunk of me that's not there any more. amazing...how within a 10 minute phone call almost my entire support system suddenly evaporates; something i thought i could depend on and people i thought i wanted to be around... although i guess i didn't really want to be around them, if i'm not willing to go back into that group. and i'm not.
one of my professor always told us transitions were the most difficult parts. albeit she was talking about music therapy sessions with autistic kids...but i still think it applies. so i'm on to something else now. ever on to something else..
