barmaid03's Diaryland diary

19:07 - May. 19, 2005
sounds good
time changes people, you know. life does and that's kind of why we're here (according to me): to learn and grow and evolve. to live. living is a verb, implying action. do it.

and so i've changed, i'm always changing and i know i always will be. and the things i want have changed too. i want a family. i want to get married and have a family, a good home and to stay home and raise my children. i also, however, want to get at least a master's and possibly my doctorate before i'm 30, and i want to have a career in music therapy and maybe teaching at the university level. and i feel so happy because i've found a way to do all those things. i'm settling into my own skin, my own life and it feels good and encouraging.

and part of all this is i'm dating now. rolling the idea over and over in my head like tasting wine. i'm dating. wow. and i want it to work and i'm not unbalanced and i'm happy. i like this; it's good. and i don't want it to end. i don't want to lose this by going away to grad school, because i want to go away to grad school. and so does he. and that's okay and if it doesn't work out... y'know, it just sucks falling in love with someone and then leaving to go back to school over and over again. i keep telling myself that if in the course of following my own path i lose him then it was meant to end anyway... but my path has two branches - career and family and what if i sacrifice one for the other? what if i want it all? well, i want it all.

women have it rough, you know. juggling family and careers... it's rough. and it's wonderful. perhaps what i need to do is let go of the fear and just live whatever comes, trusting i won't be alone. that's probably the best way to get the most out of this life. sounds good, anyway.

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