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16:55 - Mar. 09, 2005
you're not supposed to read this
y'know, it feels kind of lonely here without you. i told ben... laying in bed with ben, i told him it'd be lonely without him too. and it would. and i wondered at the difference between you two in my mind - why you are my only close friends left from high school; why we fit into each other's lives only when we're home on breaks, and only when we're alone. and why am i still with ben, for heaven's sake? it's been off and on for years, but each time we think it's finished we'll come back and be surprised that it's not. and this won't go on indefinately. in fact, i think it's finished now. and there's nothing dramatic about it - i'm just absolutely ready to move on. i'll remember ben, and as time passes the memories will probably get sweeter. that's the way it seems to happen. i used to think a lot of silly things... like that i was fat, and that i wanted to be a professional violinist. i thought i wanted to marry jon for a while, and even that i would like to spend my life with genaro. i thought you and i would always be friends, too. that was just something i assumed. even when we didn't talk for months or years, you were still as much a part of me as my fingernails. and i never stopped to think that maybe that's not a good thing. maybe i really need to actually leave in order for us to ever be able to have a functional friendship. and it's more than that... i need it for myself, too. i'm not willing to continue putting always's and somedays's in the same sentence as your name. i'm not willing to hold you there and take you with me wherever i go. since we met, you've been with me. and i just don't want to say you always will be. i'll remember you. and you're not supposed to be reading this, really. i don't think you want to hear it. what we are to each other isn't just friends, and if it is, it's the strangest friendship i've ever seen or experienced. what we are, are two people who mean the world to one another but can't say it. and i'm just not willing to be with you in this way anymore. that's all. no more always, no more somedays. even if it gets a little lonely.
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