02:24 - Dec. 31, 2004
still running
i am not hungry and i was not hungry when i pulled out the box of tamari flax crackers... my heart hurt and i didn't want to feel it. and i knew it. and i put away the box of crackers, unopened, and now i'm here, in my room, writing about it.
it's just the attachment. i let myself get attached: dumb. but oh god it felt so good... just for the moment. to be safe just for a few hours at a time was as intensely wonderful as the heartache i'm having now is painful. i miss him. i miss him i miss him and i want to run away. all my life, i think i've just wanted to run away. i went to college in pittsburgh to run away, and i read book after book to run away. i ride my bike and stay out late and don't write down my dreams to run away, but i haven't gotten anywhere - i'm still right here; right exactly where i was ten, fifteen years ago. i'm still a little girl who wants simple child things, like love she never got but didn't know how to ask for.
and isn't it funny that so often the scariest and hardest choices are always the better ones in the end?
i want to stop running and just go home. more than anything else. i want to go home.
