13:27 - Nov. 08, 2004
swirling like leaves...
i feel caught somewhere between the autumn leaves, swirling in tornadoes down the sidewalk - lost and dizzy and going nowhere too quickly to make sense of anything.
montréal. graduation. music education. music therapy. west chester. happiness? career family job loans money car dog clothes homework violin practicing practicum papers. what the hell do i want in my life?? when was the last time i was happy - a true, stable, constant happiness? i can't remember... i don't even know what makes me happy. isn't it about fucking time i figured out what i want in my life??
i want to stop this aweful gnawing at my heart: i want peace. i want some semblance of security and stability and constancy. i want things to stop swirling and make sense again. i want to know why i'm here and for what purpose i'm going to be used up before i die. i want to be content living in this skin; i want to know i don't need anyone or anything else to be happy, to know what's right for me. i want peace. i want love and light and joy. i want only what i can give myself.
