08:31 - May. 16, 2008
moving stress
he's sleeping. am i my mother all over again? i keep hearing her voice in my head, complaining about my father; telling me all the reasons why their relationship never worked out. (as if justifies their mutual hatred and unwillingness to get over it in order to raise us). and under the layer of anger and impatience i'm feeling right now (impatience is just another form of anger) there's fear. there's fear that i've made the same mistakes my mother made when she married my father. of course, we're not married yet but moving in together gets pretty close, doesn't it?
i'm afraid of living her life; of giving myself up in order to have a relationships. do i really feel that way? well, the past two days i have: they've been very stressful. i've felt like i haven't been communicating my needs very well, and neither has he. i've been cold and angry, and he's been critical of everything i do. it's terrible.
so i'm reacting out of fear - fear that i've repeated everything my mother warned me to avoid, and fear that my needs are going to get met. of course, i can't expect him to guess my needs, and that's my fault - communicating with love what my needs are, and knowing in my heart that he does want to fulfill them.
